Defendant: Artepasta Restaurant, Greenwich Avenue, New York.

Count 1: Usage of an apostrophe in the commission of a plural noun.

Count 2: Usage of an apostrophe in the commission of a plural noun.

Count 3: Usage of an apostrophe in the commission of a plural noun.

Count 4: Usage of an apostrophe in the commission of a plural noun.

Report: Officer diverted his routine patrol and was headed towards the part of Greenwich Village known as "Little Britain" when the incident was noticed and recorded on a digital incident recording device. Officer believes the area to be rife with superfluous apostrophes and recommends that the area be patrolled more regularly.

Fine: $440 worth of liquor (well drinks only).

From the onset, the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy established seventeen years ago under the Clinton Administration has been controversial.

Over the last several years this panel has analyzed the policy and conducted thorough observations of militaries all over the world. The panel has come to the conclusion that the policy is outdated and needs to be modified by all branches of the armed forces, with the exception of the 223rd Tactical Heterosexual Artillery Brigade, for obvious reasons.

Reasons we should alter the current policy:

• Of NATO's 26 member nations, 22 currently permit openly gay individuals to serve. France has gone so far as to demand that all their soldiers be bi-curious in the event of a long siege.
• In the European Union, only Greece forbids homosexuals from serving. This strikes the panel as weird because they have an island called "Lesbos" and all the famous ancient Greek military guys were super gay. Especially Transvesticles.
• Russia and China outright forbid homosexuals from serving, so when we go to war with Russia and China we'll be able to rally gay troops by pointing and saying, "Those guys hate your freedoms and your alternative lifestyle. Charge!"
• In the seventeen years the policy has been in effect, over 13,000 members of the armed services have been discharged. These are soldiers who were trained at great expense to the taxpayer and who we will need to shoot at other people when the Mayans attack in 2012.
• Numerous studies have offered conclusive proof that air-to-ground missiles are deadly regardless of the sexual orientation of the launch-button-pusher.
• People should probably be used to the idea seeing as Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C. aired over 40 years ago.

• The Don't Ask Don't Tell policy runs the risk of inciting gay soldiers to be like Oscar Wilde and say outrageously witty things to their superiors. This is not good for discipline.
• Assuming they live up to the stereotype, gay soldiers will make the barracks more comfortable by color-coordinating things. We also believe they have access to discounts on scented candles that the heterosexual community does not.
• While their straight counterparts are off-base getting drunk and impregnating Okinawans, gay soldiers will use their weekend passes to quietly go antiquing.
• When observing enemy troops via Predator drone, it'd be cool to have someone in the room who can come up with hilariously caustic comments about their wardrobe, like those guys on the Bravo network.
• The United States Government could sell Don't Ask, Don't Tell to the Las Vegas tourism bureau, and recoup some of the cost of discharging 13,000 perfectly good soldiers.

• We recommend not kicking gay people out of the armed forces unless they insist on running around in chaps when they're supposed to be sniping the enemy.
• We recommend coming up with a catchy name for this new policy of not caring about the sexual orientation of soldiers because all governmental policies need a catchy name. Some ideas:

Operation About Face.

Let's Just Focus On Killing The Bad Guys, Then.

OK, But Not In The Humvee.

Recently, al Qaeda CEO Osama bin Laden went on a tirade about America's complicity in the climate crisis. Some media outlets have speculated that such a stunt represents the organization's desperation to stay relevant. However, this is not the first time Al Qaeda's opinionated chatterbox has strayed beyond his usual comfort zone in order to vent some fury. In fact, when it comes to the sassy Saudi no one is safe.

BARISTAS LEAVE TOO MUCH ROOM FOR MILK (May 2007)

"And now we laugh, seeing how America has lost its credibility and is viewed as a tool of the imperialist, colonialist empires, and one that most notably leaves too much room for milk in its venti coffees, even when its citizens specifically stated that they desired nothing more than a large black coffee. Even as Bush continues his warmongering abroad and assists the Zionists in their occupation of Palestine, he helms a so-called democracy that is unable to simply fill the cup all the way to the top. One that cheats its own citizens by leaving an inch of room for milk in a $2.50 cup of coffee, when not a single millimeter of room was wanted."

FACEBOOK REDESIGN (October 2009)

"Where is the justice in changing the layout on the faithful user? Where is your precious "freedom" for which you fight and die, when you too find yourself cast from your area of comfort, into an unfamiliar land, like our Palestinian brothers for whom we shall never rest? You leave us with no choice but to become a fan of "Bring Back The Old Layout Or We're Gone."

TIME OUT NEW YORK KEEPS RECOMMENDING RESTAURANTS IN BROOKLYN (November 2008)

"All praise is due to Allah, who built the heavens and earth in justice, and created man as a favor and grace from Him and who in his infinite wisdom saw to it that Time Out New York would cover all the glorious and wonderful events and dining venues in New York City. But the cancerous touch of the Deceivers has made it such that one will read with great interest about a restaurant opening - only to realize that the restaurant is in Red Hook or Park Slope, where Manhattanites can not be bothered to go. And so just as the Deceivers mislead you about their plan of oppression in the Middle East, they also mislead about their plan to promote Brooklyn. Presumably because the writers all live there and really want it to be hip."

JAY LENO RETURNS TO TONIGHT SHOW (January 2010)

"For ten long years our mujahedeen fought the great power of the Soviet Union with nothing more than simple weapons. Through patience and steadfastness we bled their economy until there was no more blood in its veins. Through patience and steadfastness we brought a superpower to its knees. And through patience and steadfastness we shall bring the armies of the West to their knees. That we have patience and steadfastness is known to all. But if you think for a minute that I'm going to sit through another "Jay Walking" segment, you're fooling yourself. I honestly don't know what Jeff Zucker is smoking, Peace Be Upon Him."

My short film The Deposition of Lou Bagetta will be making the film festival rounds again as part of the LA Comedy Shorts "Best of Fest" program. They're touring festivals showing off favorites from the 2009 festival, and Deposition is one of them.

Ultimately I'd like to release the film on iTunes or Amazon as a cheap-o download. Problem: Wang Chung. I made a Wang Chung song an integral part of the film and securing the distribution rights beyond the festival rights that we already have is cumbersome. I'm just hoping Wang Chung will go easy on me, although a legal case titled Brian Sack v. Wang Chung would be totally awesome sounding.

• The entire film was created on a MacBook Pro with a pirated copy of Adobe After Effects.
• This is Sigourney Weaver's 73rd reprise of her role as a woman in outer space.
• Unbeknownst to the audience, the film peppered viewers with very, very subtle political messages.
• At nearly three hours long, the film is like suffering through six episodes of Two and a Half Men.
• The indigenous people of Pandora were designed to resemble James Cameron's cat Fluffers.
• The Na'vi dialect has even more apostrophes than Klingon.
• If you were to pit people who taught themselves Na'vi against people who taught themselves Klingon, no one would win because they'd all be losers.
• James Cameron's original title for the film was Dances With Wolves, But In Space.