Banterist - Why Our SWAT Team Needs A Monkey

From New York, original humor & commentary by Brian Sack.
Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.

Why Our SWAT Team Needs A Monkey

Dear Captain:

I know we have spoken about this before, but I continue to maintain that the Mesa SWAT team needs a monkey. I have chosen to outline my arguments for you so you can fully understand the importance of adding a capuchin to the payroll:

Monkeys are disarming. Criminals are often armed. Therefore, monkeys can disarm criminals.

If a monkey is killed in the line of duty, it is sad, but it does not reflect on our mortality statistics. That's because monkeys are not human, even though we once were monkeys. Unless you're from Kentucky.

Personally, I do not think people could kill a monkey because if you look at one you can kind of see your grandpa's face.

Monkeys can throw feces quicker than any guys we currently have. When you throw feces at a perpetrator, you buy valuable tactical seconds.

Monkeys are fast, like Yoda. Criminals are often overweight and carrying bags of money - very cumbersome. This means the monkey can often disorient and incapacitate the criminal (imagine Yoda fighting T-Rex).

In a hostage situation, people are very tense and upset. If a monkey suddenly arrives on the scene, the perpetrators might say something like "Look! A monkey!" and laugh. They wouldn't know it was a SWAT Monkey because it wouldn't be in uniform.

Monkeys live for 40 years when out of the wild - double the expectancy if they live in the jungle. For this, the monkey will more than likely be grateful and happy to help us fight crime.

In a bomb threat situation a monkey is not going to freak out about the green wire or blue wire and which wire should be cut. The monkey will just pull all the wires out and if it blows up we'll get another monkey.

During the down time when there is no crime, you probably know that a lot of our men get bored. With a SWAT Monkey we would never get bored because we could have a lot of fun with him (dress-ups, parades, gun range, etc.)

Monkeys are like 2-year old children, so the guys who have families won't miss their kids as much. This will improve morale. On the downside, he can break our radios and cling to the ceiling fan.

Any time we see a criminal we'll tell them to look at the monkey. Sustained eye contact enrages a monkey. An enraged monkey is a worthy adversary.

A SWAT Monkey is a powerful psychological tool. Imagine you are a criminal hiding in a closet and you hear "Release the monkey!" You would shudder.

Monkeys, I believe, have skills at opening coconuts. This is not a tactical advantage of course, but it could be useful in tropical dilemmas.

As the first SWAT team to have a monkey, we'll have a promotional advantage for our t-shirts. One good example is SWAT: Driving bad guys bananas.

A SWAT Monkey will attract children to our cake sale. That means we sell more cake.

Captain, I hope you will consider what an asset a monkey can be to the Mesa SWAT team. I can think of plenty more reasons if you'd like, but right now I'm being summoned to a hostage crisis.

Monkey-less, I might add.

Sincerely,

Sgt. Liss

Based on a true story.

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This is actually the funniest thing I've seen all day. But it's only just eight o'clock and I've got a busy evening planned so it might not be the funniest thing I see *today*.

Posted by: Alby | June 9, 2005 3:02 PM

I laughed my butt off while reading this, it was hilairous.

Posted by: Elijah | June 11, 2005 6:59 AM

dat is a sik idea koz monkeyz r da sikkest aminalz eva!!!

Posted by: jak | June 11, 2005 10:48 AM

That is so hilarious, yet true and it could possible work.

Posted by: katy | June 11, 2005 1:08 PM

That is hilarious, if only they had thought of it sooner

Posted by: Fay | June 12, 2005 12:09 AM

monkeys should not work for humans humans should work for monkeys! = )

Posted by: SKB | June 12, 2005 12:35 PM

Sure, monkeys can fling poo. But, if you want the skillz of the kentucky banty rooster, you are going to have to lobby congress.

_orb

Posted by: orb | June 12, 2005 6:43 PM

This is some really funny stuff. Who doesn't like a good monkey - not me.

Posted by: Kenny | June 16, 2005 3:39 PM

Very funny. I expecialy liked the joke about evilution and Kentucky. Are you a science teacher?

Posted by: Lisa | June 20, 2005 5:59 PM

That's hilarious, although you do make a good point. If I was hiding in a closet and someone yelled "RELEASE THE MONKEY" I would definitely shudder.

Posted by: typhanie | June 24, 2005 4:17 PM

As a lover of all monkeys, I have one thing to say. YES!!! That is so awesome! except for the part about the bomb and the wires and the boom-boom and.... yeah(but very funny, nonetheless). But otherwise, YES!!!!

Posted by: Sek C | July 15, 2005 6:47 PM

Young Pair of Squirrel Monkey's (they are breeding). Male 1 1/2 Years not Tame - Female 6 Years old very Tame! Looking for a great home. payments are refundable if less care is taken on our babies.Affordable price and discount for any first contact.

If you are interested,get back to me.

Posted by: robert kally | August 25, 2005 5:37 AM

I'm still thinking about Yoda fighting T Rex.

Monkeys are very lazy by the way, never employ one. All they do is hang around all day eating bananas. They claim it's business related stuff they're doing but I'm not so sure.

Posted by: biggaygingerbear | September 28, 2005 12:06 PM

You're hott. So are monkeys-might I add. =)

Posted by: Jen | October 2, 2005 3:55 PM

But where do they pin on their badges?

Posted by: dragongourd | October 14, 2005 11:42 AM

this made me drool on my keyboard.

Posted by: Normal | October 20, 2005 3:12 PM

Did anybody see that old SNL commercial "Bathroom Monkey"?...about the monkey that stayed in your bathroom and kept it clean? This letter for a SWAT Monkey reminded me of that. Very funny!

Posted by: Jen Overholt | October 21, 2005 12:13 AM

Yoda's awsome, but I dunno how he'd handle a bomb...

If the squad thinks of him as their child...why do they send him in the line of fire?

Posted by: Jenni | October 24, 2005 2:12 PM

you are truly talented. i know this because i laughed out loud. laughing out loud is the determining factor for talent. congratulations and thanks!

Posted by: anhichiban | November 23, 2005 9:55 AM

What about the wise old saying "Monkeys see, monkeys do?" So if a monkey sees a criminal, then the monkey will become a criminal and kill the SWAT team! How about going with a chimpanzee? Just a thought.

Posted by: Nick Campion | May 17, 2006 5:28 PM

i remember a monkey i dated several years ago...
stinky and mean...
din't like the poo fling.
and they got some real funky feet!

sincerely,
jane goodall

Posted by: hemnebob | October 11, 2006 8:57 AM

i used to date a monkey several years ago and it wasn't pleasant...
the flinging poo, not fun at all, especially when it hits the furniture.
and those feet...u-g-l-y

sincerely.
jane goodall

Posted by: hemnebob | October 11, 2006 9:07 AM

this is the most awesome thing i raed on west hernando middle school in iss and iss mean in school suspension

Posted by: austin gray | April 29, 2009 7:49 AM

Why Our SWAT Team Needs A Monkey

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